The ambiguous grief of things that are just for a season

The other day I opened my Bible to find a passage I wanted to read but as I flipped through the pages a note from one of the team members I worked with on a team during the mission’s organization I worked with summer program in Ireland from 8 years ago dropped out. I picked up the note and read it. As I read it, I was filled with reminders of who God says I am as she wrote out biblical truths of what it means to be a child of God, memories of the summers spent in beloved Greystones at the Coolnagriena that felt like home among the staff that felt like family and reminders of all that this team member brought to the team as well as the experiences both my Outreach teams had while serving at various churches and programs throughout Ireland. I felt a mix of joy reminiscing on the times and sadness over how I had not been able to stay in touch with all the team members I led as much as I would have liked apart from social media. I kicked myself in the head for not doing a better job at keeping in touch with my Outreach team members as much as I should have in the years that followed as I remained in Ireland for another year following this particular Encounter summer program note and then moved back home when my term was up. 

I still think fondly of them all and have love for them even though I haven’t spoken to any of them in awhile. Of course initially I tried and then with the time differences and life things, it became harder to stay in touch as consistently. Though I kick myself in the head for this, I have come to accept that this is just the natural order of things. Especially, while serving in missions. 

Serving in missions for the long term then returning to your home country brings a grief that is unlike other griefs. There is no death or falling out, just simply the change of the seasons and an understanding that some relationships are truly just for a season more than other seasons of life that bring change because you were so invested in a completely different life for such a long time on so many different levels and now you aren't. It feels nearly ambiguous as sometimes though you don’t reach out, you may still like one another’s posts on social media and silently cheer one another on but don’t touch base or check in. 

There are many people that felt like family during the time I spent in Ireland and though I wish I could stay in touch with everyone, realistically it’s not feasible unfortunately as life goes on and gets busy right in front of you on top of navigating different time zones. You think of reaching out but then more and more time passes and you never do as you begin to overthink it and think maybe it is too late. And maybe it’s not that it’s too late but maybe it’s just the natural order of things.

From my experience, summer outreach teams while in a cross-cultural setting create a bond like no other. You learn a lot about one another that you can’t do in your daily 9-5. You literally live together, you solve problems together despite coming from different backgrounds, you collaborate how to lead the program you’ve been asked to assist with for 2 weeks, you navigate budgeting together, the best way to get around in a different country without a car, you see each other without feeling like you have to put on a happy face all the time as stresses arise within running the program and homesickness can pop up. You have vulnerability built into team life as you spend time in prayer together, reading the Bible together and sharing your opinions on the things you are processing and reading. By the end of the 2 weeks, 4 or 5 interns and yourself, the group leader feels like a family rather than just a longer-term missionary and some interns.

The bond you create with your long-term team as a whole over a course of 2 or 4 years runs even deeper as you understand each other in ways that maybe others that have known you your whole lives don’t even understand. You understand the adjustment of picking up your life and moving to a completely different cultural setting, the homesickness that grows and nearly takes over as you accept you cannot go back to your home country for a full-year and the tension of wanting something different out of life than staying in your home country but not wanting to let your family down by the decision that you have chosen. 

And how can you disconnect yourself from your "siblings" after the tears and laughs and honest conversations shared? It feels unnatural. Yet at the same time it happens quietly and gradually and as it happens there is both sadness and acceptance. In some cases, the relationship doesn’t completely disappear, it’s just more sporadic which is still sad remembering how consistent it once was. I was reflecting the other day how unnatural it feels for me to remain in the same place for more than 3 years.

Since I graduated college in 2014, I never settled in work or living. I would be in the States working for a bit but then it was like “okay, now back overseas”. From 2 months in 2015 in Ireland to support raising for 1.5 years after signing on to return as a member of the mission team full time leading to moving to Ireland for 2 years then home for 2 months then 3 months spent in Ibiza then back home. Upon my arrival home post Ibiza, I took a job in behavioral health thinking it would be temporary but then rona happened and the world shut down and I became an aunt which made it harder for me to think about returning back to missions full-time even though that was something that was very much on my heart. 

I’ve been back in the States for a full 6 years now which is weird to think about. I’ve kept the same job for more than 2 years which is also weird to think about as since I was never planning on staying I only ever worked in the same place for 2 years at the maximum. And though I am thankful for my time at home and how I have learned to settle into life in my hometown and found a job I really love, there is also a grief. 

A grief for the people I couldn’t stay in touch with, a grief for the places I can’t afford to visit again at the moment and a grief for the person I was back then. The girl who felt more carefree about life and despite the bouts of deep homesickness that would come up at times, she didn’t really worry too much about the big picture of life. She was present, less anxious and felt less pressure to be in a certain stage of life. 

She didn’t feel behind, she just lived. I was talking about this with another missionary friend a couple months ago. We were talking about how it feels weird because in some sense we feel ahead in life due to our experiences navigating and living in different countries independently for a longer period of time but in other ways we feel behind as women now in their early 30’s. We haven’t started our own families yet, we are financially playing catch up trying to pay off the student loans that we forgoed while working in missions.

In one sense it was like we left and grew up so much then came home and forgot who we were and suddenly don’t feel like real adults anymore. I know personally I lived off and on in limbo since 2020. The nudge to return overseas still in my heart, all the while, moving out of my parents, finding a steady and consistent job and finding a church to settle into. It was hard and it still is some days. 

Despite the fact I am finally finding my way out of living in limbo and know the direction I want to go, there still is a grief that lingers. Grief for the past experiences I got to live while living overseas and miss, grief for the time wasted in limbo, grief for the person I became while lost in the limbo and the choices I made while not thinking clearly. However, I suppose that there is gratitude that while it took a lot of different things that I have finally at last felt like I am “myself” again yet at the same time a more mature version that didn’t exist 6 years ago let alone 6 months ago. Though that is the beauty of being alive. You fail, you learn and you grow from that. If you are a Christian, you go through a legitimate process that changes your heart with the help of the Holy Spirit. A process I cannot thank God enough for and would not be able to learn to be more brave, kind, respond in honorable ways to hard things instead of dishonorable and thankful without. 

Anywho, thanks for reading this if you have. And I hope that any fellow previous expats out there find some comfort in my words and know you are not alone if you still have ambiguous grief that you hold even though significant time has passed from when you lived overseas or spent significant time overseas not as a tourist. 

Have a good week!

Amy