10 things I’ve learned from choosing to be single for a year on purpose

I acknowledge that my decision may not be for everyone and that people that take 6 months or on the flip-side, more than a year after ending an unhealthy relationship before dating again can still grow and heal too. Everyone has to choose what is best for them. I want to state that before I share why being intentionally single for a full year was best for me. Like 100% single for a full year consistently. No talking stages, no flings, zip, zilch. Nada. Just truly, single single. Which to be honest, isn’t something I’ve done since 2018.

So here goes “10 things I’ve learned from being intentionally single for a full year”:

1.) You will feel in your gut when you’re looking to be distracted instead of for companionship. 

    This was something I realized very quickly after attempting to get back out there and went on a couple dates only 3 months after walking away from an unhealthy relationship. The guys I went out or chatted with were all perfectly nice but I felt like chatting with them was more of a chore than a desire. I went out with 2 different guys and didn’t want to see them again. There was nothing wrong with them. I had a nice time but I just didn’t want to see them again because the thought of doing so didn’t make me excited, nervous or intrigued. It sounds heartless but I felt nothing, I felt numb. Chatting with them wasn't about getting to know them. It was about being distracted from thinking about things I didn't want to think about. This was my first sign that it would be better for me to stay off a dating app as those can quickly lead to dates. So I deleted the one I was on and decided to put dating on the back burner.

2.) A relationship cannot heal deep wounds

    When you’ve been wounded by someone beyond just a broken heart or rejection, it cuts deep. I don’t want to speak for all women but I think it’s a common misconception that if we are hurt, a man will heal us and help make the pain go away. Blame it on the music we listen to, the literature we enjoy or the movies and shows we watch but this couldn’t be far from the truth. A person cannot heal you, they don’t have the capacity to. It doesn't matter how gentle, loving, patient and kind they are. They simply can’t. Only Jesus can. He is the only being equipped to handle the inner most workings of your soul and heart that have been shredded and trampled on. This is something that I had to recognize but would not have been able to do so had I been looking to the next guy to do that for me. 

3.) A person cannot save you from your pain and problems 

    Just like human beings weren’t built to heal one another’s hearts. A human being cannot save us from our problems. Though I fantasize over finding a Wesley to save me and protect me from the R.O.U.S.' while trudging through the fire swamp, a man cannot save me from my pain and problems. I will still have days I grieve over losses, things I've done and things done to me. I will still need to be intentional about getting dopamine in healthy ways and be mindful of keeping track of my finances. I will still need to make sure I respond instead of react. I will have to take care of getting the help I need to heal my brain and body from things. A man cannot do that for me. I have to do that myself. 

4.) A person loving you romantically doesn't determine your value

    I don't know if men struggle with this but from conversations I have had with friends, I know women do. It is very hard to not equate being loved right by a man with your worth. It doesn't matter how much you positive self talk to yourself in the mirror. If you're not being pursued, chosen or cherished by a man romantically it can feel like something is wrong with you. Like you're not "enough" or on the flip side, you're "too much." You're undesirable. The lies can creep in and it can be very easy to feel like because you're not being chosen or pursued, then you're worth less. However, that is a blatant lie. You are valuable as you are. You have unique gifts, dreams and passions that make you who you are. You do not need a relationship to determine your worth and value. 

5.) How someone treated you doesn't determine your worth

    This piggybacks off my 4th point, and personally was very difficult for me to come to terms with as of lately versus years prior when I had experienced healthy dating relationships. Unfortunately, all it takes is one to really mess up your self-esteem and view of yourself. It is very difficult to not see yourself as "trash" when someone has treated you like trash essentially. When someone has made you feel used and worthless by their actions. 

    However, that doesn't mean you are trash or worthless. Just because someone decided to treat you poorly or like a toy doesn't mean that you are one. Yes these experiences can go hand in hand if you struggle with sticking to your boundaries and truly valuing yourself and your well-being over someone else. These dynamics can be tricky and cloaked as control dressed as concern. Betrayal, manipulation and coercion can be at play. It's not always cut and dry but the point is you are left feeling like a used tissue in the end by someone who promised they would do the opposite. 

You are worth more than how they treated you. You are worthy of honest and respectful communication that also takes your feelings into consideration and doesn't just focus on their own. 

6.) Have respect for yourself

    I thought I had respect for myself but I learned the hard way that I didn't really. I valued this person over my well-being and my relationship with them. I liked the times we had together when they were good and there were positive qualities in this person that I liked about them and was happy enough initially to have them as a friend or something more. 

There is a line between treating others with respect despite how they act and not letting yourself be disrespected. If you feel that someone continually takes actions having no regard for your feelings unless it will benefit them then that person is not someone that you want in your life. If you see that someone is stuck in a destructive hurtful pattern despite an apology that they have made to you, then that is not someone you want to be dating. 

7.) Some things do take longer to heal from and need to be done single

    Sometimes, there are certain levels of baggage and experiences that are heavy from a previous relationship that need to be sorted and processed through honestly alone with a therapist and few close friends. A dating relationship may bring more anxiety and fear rather than excitement and optimism when one is going through this process. This is the boat I'm in and am slowly working my way out of.

8.) The sweet side of boredom is creativity 

    This one is less serious but I think it's important. While there are really good things about being in a relationship. Like other things that fill our time, dating can be another thing to fill the gaps. It's important that we remember what boredom feels like, what being alone feels like, what learning how to use your time without relying on another person to fill it feels like. The sweet side of boredom is that it often leads to creativity. 

    If I have friends that aren't free to spend time together and I'm alone and other things are taken care of, I find time to create. Whether that's through writing, Sketching, painting or wood burning. It's something that brings me so much joy and makes me feel alive. I'm not saying you can't date and still have creative hobbies, you totally can but like anything else, you need to be intentional about it. And you can't be intentional about it if you don't have even a little space freed up to do so. 

9.) Know your attachment style

    I didn't know a thing about attachment styles until later in life and how they impact close relationships. Particularly, they greatly impact your boyfriend or girlfriend and how you date. Some may say it's not necessary but personally I think it is important as it affects a lot of how you connect to someone while dating and some styles can be unintentionally damaging. I didn't know what mine was until the past couple years and learning it and fixing it really helped me grow as a person. 

10.) Date yourself and go on solo dates

People may say it's cheesy but I think that there is something beautiful about learning to adventure alone. It challenges you to step out of your comfort zone and opens up the door to go to some really fun places even if someone else isn't free. It's a good way to spend time and know that there are beautiful things to appreciate about the world even if there isn't someone to experience it with you. Some of my favorite solo dates have been day trips to small towns exploring new coffee shops, quirky house ware shops and bookstores, hiking in Shenandoah, putting on a sundress and painting at the park on a summer night, taking myself out to a boujii breakfast and bringing a book, watching the sunset in my Buick Encore Trunk with Chinese food and hiking in general. 

Anywho, I hope that some of what I had to share was insightful or helpful in some way and hopefully not too TMI. I feel like when I blog I think more about if I'm writing to whoever may stumble upon this and may find it helpful and tend to not think about the fact I actually know the people that may read this haha. Regardless, I hope that hearing what I have learned has helped someone else out there too. 

Have a great week!

Amy