in the middle of the mess

 

  When I write on here, I like to have things that are polished. Situations, lessons, encouragements. I like to take the things I am learning, share them and hope to encourage others BUT I usually don't typically take to the keyboard until AFTER I've learned. AFTER I've seen Jesus in the circumstance, AFTER I have clarity about what lesson I should learn. I don't tend to write and share what I'm writing when I'm in the middle of the mess. I question how honest I should be because I'm not a real author, I'm not an popular Instagram blogger.  I have people that actually know me potentially reading this, so it's more nervewracking. I like to pretend strangers are reading what I write but sometimes I get the rude awakening/reminder that people I actually know will see these words. But as someone told me once, all authors and bloggers have to start somewhere.  I share in hopes of encouraging someone out there, even if it may be someone I know because you just never know what someone may need to hear to help them carry on. 

  I feel that particularly this post feels a bit like ripping my heart open to the general public but in the quiet of this saturday morining, something also just feels right about sharing it. This morning I read the following blurb from "Fighting Words" by Ellie Holcomb:

"When the lies close in and tell us that our "not enough" will remain as it is, lacking and deficient, here's the truth that both of us can fight with: Christ has already covered our lack with His "more than enough." He's filled our holes, our mistakes, and our failures with His abundant righteousness and grace, and He does this freely as a gift!" Not because we've earned it. Not because we've begged hard enough or because we deserve it. He does this because He chose to set His love on us."

Ooof! It hit me.

 See, sometimes I like priding myself as one that easily gives grace to others but I don't like being helpless myself or having to accept grace myself. I like being the faithful friend that others can depend on but not admitting when I am needy and dependent. The other night, my car, my first car that I bought all by myself, something that would last years, would be reliable and supposedly need less repairs than my previous used cars and finally, my first bluetooth car (v.important haha) randomly broke down. 

 Now if you really know me, you know that my car is more than a mode of transportation to me. It is a safe space, a confidant and a lifeline at times. When I want to do something fun but my friends/family are out of town/busy, I grab an iced coffee and drive to pretty places far away or just go for a drive. When I'm upset, I get in my car, put on certain songs, and drive. When I need a good cry but (despite how vulnerable my housemates and I have been with one another and want each other to feel at home. Some days, you just don't want people to hear you cry) so I get in my car and drive instead. So when I don't have it, it feels like so much more has been taken away from me than just a way to get places. 

  However, I have learned a lot about dependence the past 24 hours. When my engine began to overheat and a warning came on, I pulled off to the side and called my dad. I called AAA and waited. I heard a car pull up behind me. At first, I panicked thinking what sort of creeper could have pulled over but then was pleasantly surprised when I saw it was one of my coworkers. She waited with me until AAA came and then offered for me to come back and wait at her place while I waited for my dad to pick me up. At first, I was hesitant. My pride started to bubble up, I didn't want to impose or appear needy, but then I decided to go back with her to her place while I waited. And I was so glad I did! It was a nice time to get to know her more and I was relieved to not be waiting outside a AAA after closing hours. I learned more about dependence as I asked around to see if I could get a lift to work. 

 With every text and phone call, I felt so much shame but my pride died a little bit with each person I reached out to. In the end, my overly gracious housemate who worked in mental health counseling, ended up swapping her clients to virtual so I could take her car. When she told me she was going to do that, I felt my pride creep back up but I accepted it.

  You know, for someone that bases her life and beliefs on grace, I actually do a pretty awful job at accepting it from others or giving it to myself. I over apologize, I take control in situations and do my best to smooth things over. I'm ridiculously hard on myself when I mess up or find myself going backwards on things I thought I've grieved. I tell my friends and coworkers, "don't be hard on yourself, don't worry about it, give yourself space" but I rarely repeat those things to myself.  It's no wonder I struggle to wrap my mind around the whole grace side of things of what Jesus did for everyone. 

  As I read the blurb this morning though, I was reminded of all the ways the past while I had tried to "do better"/ be better, gossip less at work, be kinder when I lack patience (etc.)"  instead of just admitting that I do fail, I mess up and I can be needy. Instead of giving myself more grace on a daily basis despite the ways I fail. Admitting those things but also that there is grace felt very freeing. 

I am thankful for grace in the middle of the mess.