Put away the suitcase and plant some roots

        About a month ago, my current housemates and I all agreed to sign on for another year of living together. To say I'm thankful for them would be an understatement. They have taught me so much about life, God's love and what it looks like to live out what one's beliefs and actions rooted in what Christ has done rather than in religion or what a person can do to get on God's "good side". I don't have to be "goody-two shoes" Amy, who went to Bible college, was involved in youth ministry and worked in full-time charity work and ministry in other parts of the world when I'm around them. I can be me as I am. I can be honest about the joys of following Jesus and the bits about it that make it difficult. I don't have to always put on a smile or have the "right" thing to say but my tears and swearing in the moments when things are not okay are welcome at our kitchen table. It's truly been freeing. 

      Yet as excited as I am to be living together for another year, it feels weird to really actually settle in and plant roots close to the place I grew up. I love my family, I have nothing against the suburbs of Philly that I grew up in but I just always pictured myself uprooting. Uprooting to another state, another country or another county much further away even. I don't tend to think of settling in. I like to be on the move, I like seizing opportunities that take me away from home. 

    This summer, I had originally planned to spend July working at Sandy Cove Ministries in Maryland. I was going to be involved in their youth programs and in working with the teens and kids that would be attending. It sounded pretty ideal to me. Living by the bay, working with a team of people, having spiritual rhythms at my finger tips due to the providence of team devotional times and worship sessions. I do well in structured ministry opportunities where there's an easy access to things that I know will challenge me and grow me. I love the environment of team life at summer camps or on missions trips. The connection you all automatically build because you're doing life together, the friendships you build through late night chats, vulnerable conversations and overtired laughter. 

     I initially applied because well 2022 actually didn't kick off too well for me. I got a new job that I really love which was great and I was (and still am) very thankful for but I also made a difficult decision to leave a ministry I had been volunteering with for a while, I unexpectedly went through a break-up I didn't expect to go through and my SAD (seasonal affective disorder depression) got so bad in February-March that I felt like I could barely function. So what did I do? I applied to get away for the summer and throw myself into serving others because the prospect of getting away for a time and starting fresh (even if temporarily) sounded much more appealing than sticking around here for the summer and facing the things I needed to face. 

  God taught me though in the months ahead that sometimes the wiser thing to do is to "put away the suitcase and plant some roots." To face the things I didn't want to face. To mourn the losses, to schedule the doctor's/counselling appointments, to actually settle on a church and not just attend but begin to invest and get involved even though that means giving time to it, giving time to others and letting people actually know me. 

     So about a week ago, as I processed and prayed through things, I saw that I initially applied to work at Sandy Cove with the wrong motives, I wanted to "escape". I was in a messy spot and all I could think about was getting away. Since I've faced the mess though, I see that I don't need to "escape" and that continuing to settle in here is what is best. I called the camp and told them that I needed to be here for the summer and just focus on what's around me. As I am reminded to spend this summer to continue "planting roots" instead of "packing a suitcase", I've been reflecting about all that's happened the past 4-5 months and that as weird and scary as it can be to come to place where you're like, "ok, I have these dreams, I have these goals, I have these passions, but I know for now I am here, it's time to make here home, to stop living my life in limbo", it's actually quite freeing. 

    I wouldn't have admitted it but pretty much since I moved back to the States toward the end of 2019, I've spent most of my time living in limbo, making the most of opportunities but not fully giving my time to things that would truly make me feel more "settled".  I spent much of 2021, attending church but not seeking to build relationships at church, being hesitant to find a better job and something I enjoyed more and twiddling my thumbs about making an actual decision about going back for my Master's. It's not easy at all but it's been cool these past 4-5 months to make those decisions and to let go and say, "ok, I can't see what's ahead but I am here, this is my home, so I'm going to start making it home." 

    Maybe you can relate to this? Maybe it feels like shit's hit the fan and you would rather pack a bag and escape the things that burden you than face whatever is going on? Maybe you feel overwhelmed by decisions so instead you've chosen limbo because that feels easier than making a decision on something? 

    Whatever it is for you, I encourage you to stay. To face the things that are hard, to call on the people that will hold up your arms when you can't. To take the baby steps. I know I wouldn't have been able to get through the past 4 months or so without friends who showed up when I needed them. I know I wouldn't feel hopeful about making here "home" if I didn't take the steps to do the things I knew I needed to do to truly feel settled. If you know Jesus, lean on him. I know for myself, I wouldn't have gotten through 2022 without him. When everything was a mess at the start of 2022, I actually didn't want much to do with him but I held on by a thread and he's been steady and consistent, continually giving me strength and grace for each day. I am truly grateful. 

Don't be afraid to plant roots even when it's not easy or the decisions seem overwhelming, take the steps. Call on the people you trust to help you. You'll look back one day and begin to see that you're exactly where you're supposed to be.