5 Things that Singleness in my 20's taught me

 I'll preface it to say that this was the post I never wanted to write.  God has decided otherwise though so here we go. I don't like to put myself in a box as someone who is single and in their late twenties. I've heard friends talk about their "singleness" as if it's some kind of disease. Churches even offer community groups for singles. AKA matchmaking Bible study. No thanks, I'll pass. I've even come across articles titled, "how can we love our singles in the church?" as if we were some sort of species. I try my best to avoid putting myself in that box, not because I'm ashamed that I'm single but because I feel like in the Church, if you are unmarried after 25, it drives people to place their identity in that definition and it almost takes away who they are. I think that the definition can be murky too. These days few people in their mid to late twenties even find themselves in actual relationships. We end up in "situationships", with all the perks of a relationship but no real actual label. These situationships can last anywhere from 2 months to even 6 or 7 months. With break-ups hurting just as much as relationships that are defined because everything is the same but you don't use the words "relationship/boyfriend/girlfriend"you're just "dating" or "seeing each other". So technically speaking, I haven't been in a serious relationship since I was in college and have spent most of my mid-late twenties as a single person. 

When this happens it is easy to ask "what is wrong with me?" "does God love me?" "am I broken?" Especially if you were taught in youth group at 14 years old, that essentially one day a man/woman would complete you and that your prince charming/princess/"smokin' hot wife" is out there-God is just working on him/her. When you are given those messages growing up, it makes it difficult to take off the weight of what it means to have a spouse and how your identity and worth can be so tied to it. For clarity here, I am not against serious relationships or marriage at all. I think that they are beautiful things and God ordained and given. Heck-if that's in store for me, I'm down.  However, I feel that sometimes we idolize the desire to have someone to complete us to an unhealthy degree that we lose ourselves, our value and who we are. So here it goes-Here are 5 things that singleness in my 20's has taught me....

1.) People cannot solve your problems

Even though I've technically been single for most of my twenties- I haven't necessarily been sitting on the shelf. Since returning from doing missions, I've had my fair share of bad dates and good dates and yup, a situationship. If there was one thing I could tell you, it's this-when you do get close to someone and begin to date, they will let you down. It doesn't matter how considerate he/she is, how much he/she gets your banter or how good he/she looks. You will feel dissatisfied with them.  You will both unintentionally hurt each other. You will still have days of being stressed, worried or overwhelmed. One of my favorite quotes by a writer called Donald Miller states it perfectly. In his book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, Miller shares about a friends of his who got married he writes, 

"She said she married a guy and he was just a guy. He wasn't going to make all her problems go away because he was just a guy. And that freed her to really love him as a guy, not an ultimate problem solver. And because her husband believed she was just a girl, he was free to really love her too. Neither needed the other to make everything okay. They were simply content to have good company through life's conflicts"

That my friends, is what we need to remind ourselves more of. That is something that I was not taught growing up and wish I was because I think it is so eye-opening. Marriage is 2 flawed people coming together. A relationship is 2 flawed people coming together. You will NOT fix each other's problems but you will be good company for one another through life's problems.  

2.) Let go of the 10 must-haves

I don't know if this is just a church kid problem but I kid you not, in middle school I had a list of qualities I wanted in a future husband and there were like 10 things on there. He had to be a surfer, play drums, love Jesus, be good with kids, sporty but not obnoxious about sports, kind but not too nice....etc. I laugh when I think back to that list. What I have learned over the past couple years, is that it's more important to focus on qualities rather than how much they fit your "list". You do want someone that you have some similar interests with but you don't want a clone haha. I have enjoyed getting to know guys that may not be into the same hobbies as me. It's nice when you have some different interests because then you can learn more about the other person and gain some new hobbies too!

3.) Your dating/married status doesn't determine your value

You are loved and you matter. People do not determine your worth. I found the transition of recovering from a break-up as an adult to go a lot differently than when I was in college. When I was in college, I still felt that I was not good enough and not worthy of love. It was actually the thing that drove me to Jesus as there was a lot of forgiveness that needed to take place in that relationship. As an adult, knowing I was loved by Jesus and that he determined my value, I grieved the person more than who I was to the person. You have value because you are a child of God. Whether or not someone has chosen you does not determine your value. I get it, it's hard. It can feel like being chosen romantically or not chosen determines your worth. Guess what? It doesn't. That's a lie from the pit of hell. You are important as you are because of who you are and no one can take that away from you.  

4.)Say "YOLO"

Many of my friends from college got married shortly after college. I was 23 and wasn't in that boat so when the opportunity came for an opportunity to do ministry in a different country, I said "yes" I did not have someone at the moment so I figured, "why not?" I'm young and I have my whole life ahead of me. It took me 2 years to raise all my missions funds and there were moments, I was tempted to back out because I was worried about all I was going to have to give up. It was so worth it though and I wouldn't change a dang thing. God taught me so much over in Ireland and being single in Ireland allowed me to keep saying "yes" to things leading me later to Ibiza for a couple months. Something, I could not have done as easily had I been married or in a serious relationship. So if you're single or not in a serious headed toward marriage relationship where you have to consider someone else and their time and money, just go for it! Say "yes" to things that you might not be able to say "yes" to later in life. 

5.) No one will love you or satisfy you more than Jesus

I hope I can eloquently say this. Ok so I do believe that married people can still know Jesus deeply I do. I think that there are life circumstances that can really drive people to Jesus in a very deep way. However, I think that the longing for spouse and not having that yet met, can create a hunger for Heaven that points to a hunger for Jesus that I know I wouldn't have had he met my desire for spouse when I wanted one at 23. I guess in general when things don't happen in our timing that can create a deep hunger for Jesus in us that we would not have had God given us what we wanted when we wanted it. Yea because I've been in this waiting game for so long,  I have a lot of moments where it hits me that all that matters is Jesus, all I have is Christ-and for me, I don't know if I could get to that point had God sent me a husband at 23. He really is the only one that will love us more than anything and can truly fill our longing. 

Welp, I hope that regardless of where you land in this, that you found me sharing the things I've learned encouraging in some way! 

Until next time,

Amy