Timelines

Sometimes, I write things and I feel that God wants me to take a devotional approach and other times I write things and I feel like God wants me to be a bit more vulnerable and hope that by sharing a revelation I've been having a lot lately that I can encourage you as well.  

I like to say that I'm a poster child for God's timing not being our timing. When I graduated college at 22, I had a picture of what I imagined my life would look like before 30. Here I am 6 years later, freshly 28 with only 2 years away from 30 and far from where I thought I would be. None of what I had planned for myself 6 years ago has gone my way. This is something I am often hard on myself for but as I reflect on the past couple years tonight, I see that I wouldn't change thing. I can truly say that God's timeline is far better than any of our timelines. 

When I graduated from college at 22, I had expectations to work for  2 years, go get my MSW, ya know probably get married at some point in between and choose a long-term steady career. However, that plan got totally flipped upside down when God called me into missions at 23. I spent the next 2 years working full-time and raising financial support until finally, I had all my fundings to go move to Ireland and work with youth and churches over in Ireland. 

My career plans, financial stability and dating life all went right out the door and felt unattainable (well, at least on my timeline). I remember being upset with God for screwing up my plans, my dreams, my expectations. But do you see what the problem there is-it's "my". I did not hold my plans lightly, I held everything tightly and though I was thankful for the opportunities I was given through my time in full-time ministry and all that I had learned, I also have held a bitterness toward God for quite sometime. I often still ask him why it took me so long to raise support? Why did he not let me move until I was 25, pushing back my timeline? Why did I come home and have to literally start from scratch at 27? Why did He put me through that? Often, I will question, was it all really worth it? 

Fast forward to summer 2019, I was home briefly and then left again to go work with a charity in Ibiza spent a couple months over there and then "officially" moved back to the USA in October of 2019 and I was not happy. In fact, I sunk into a deep depression because I felt so purposeless being in the States, I wanted to be pushed to my limits again, thrown out of my comfort zone and give my time to something that made me feel like my life was worthwhile. It wasn't until my 2 month stint of unemployment following Ibiza, that I realized how much I placed my identity in serving and looking to serving to define me. In my organization Serge, I was "the missionary", in Ireland I was "Amy the American" and back in the USA, I was well...."Amy or Ames" nothing exciting, Nothing defining. Just plain old boring Amy. 

God and me were not on good terms at that time until my parents encouraged me to volunteer and they told me about something called Younglife. It was through my involvement with this organization called Younglife, that I found a piece of who I was again and I felt purposeful as well as began to see that God was the in fact, the same God that was with me in Ireland and Ibiza. A faithful and loving God that is continually at work. 

Things came together, work was going well, I had something that made me feel meaningful, I was going out on dates. It was like everything was finally coming into place and then the pandemic happened and like many of you, I found my world flipped upside down. I lost work hours due to transferring to Telehealth, I lost money due to Telehealth requirements not being a lot of hours and dating...yeah forget that during a pandemic. Would not recommend. Like many of you, I learned a lot about myself during that time and had a lot of time to process life. 

Then May came and things opened up again and I decided to get back to my plans. Again, things were coming together in every area of my life well, except with God...I began dating someone who didn't value my faith and it pushed my faith way on the back burner. Thankfully, God took matters into His own hands and ended things. At the time I didn't agree with that one but it's one for sure I can see why His will and plans are better as I look back. And then as I was thinking through that earlier and reflecting on the past couple years, I see truly why HIS way was better. HIS timeline. 

I won't lie, I find it frustrating to not be as far ahead on life as I would like to be at 28. I have goals to go back for my MSW but I really can't afford it right now. I'd like to have a family of my own someday soon but the reality is I can barely provide for myself at the moment. The reality is I probably won't have all the things I've always wanted to have before I turn 30. I've held a bitterness toward God off and on because of that BUT if you were to ask me, "Amy, was it worth it to have your life and timeline flipped upside down at 23?" The answer is yes. It was worth it. And to be honest, as discouraging as it can be when I relate more to life stages of my missions friends than the friends I grew up with, I wouldn't change a dang thing. Because the experiences I've been able to have, have made me who I am, grew me closer to God in ways that I never thought possible and provided me with friends and valuable life lessons I wouldn't change for anything. 

So I guess just know that life will not go as you plan. It won't because you are not in complete control of your life at the end of the day.  I don't want to be a debby-downer but it's just the truth BUT know God is sovereign overall and His timeline is truly better than our own. It's a statement I always heard but never understood until this week. His ways are better and His timing is always best.

I hope that by sharing this revelation God has given me encourages you in some way today. I know it's not the usual format I take. Just know that He is good and near and His timing in all the things in our lives is perfect. 

Until next time,

Amy