It's Not About What I Bring
"BUT God!" I over-dramatically flung myself onto my bed "I don't have anything to give the girls this weekend" I cried out then buried my face in my pillow. "But I do" I heard God say quietly to me. I sat up. "I'm exhausted God, work was really hard these past 2 days, I feel spent. How am I supposed to be bubbly and fun and focus on my girls, if I am so exhausted and upset over how work is going?" I continued to argue. Amy, you don't have to have all the answers, just be there. God told me.
I got up and continued to pack for my youth retreat, still feeling doubtful that I should be going. I couldn't help but feel like I was not in the right kind of state to be going. I was too tired, too insecure lately, too upset and too discouraged. Shouldn't youth leaders be joyful, energetic and optimistic? Shouldn't I be struggling with past insecurities some other weekend, not this coming weekend-where I need to be in a confident and secure state? The questions continued to gnaw at me as well as the doubt.
I heard God say "But I have something to give them" over and over again as I packed. I decided eventually that I would still go to the youth retreat but wait until the morning when my head could be clearer and the wounds from work wouldn't be so fresh. After all, then I could be a better youth leader, a better version of Amy, one that's more worthy of the weekend ahead. Not this messy, over-emotional, tired one.
I thought about how God wants to use us despite our weaknesses and our messes, So I decided instead I would go down that Friday night rather than wait til' the morning. Alright God, I hope this isn't/wasn't a bad idea. I told Him as I drove over and continued to tell Him as the weekend continued.
Did I get my energy back? Did I loose those feelings of insecurity? Not immediately. Throughout the whole weekend I fought back and forth between truths and lies and at times even regretted my decision of coming up Friday night. "If I only waited til' Saturday morning to come up, then I wouldn't be this tired."I told myself on Saturday. God reminded me later on in the weekend that it's not really about what I have to bring. It's not about whether or not I am feeling "qualified". It's about being there and being available and trusting God with each minute that comes. It's easy when you are involved in ministry to feel like you have to present your best self and leave your mess at the door, especially in youth ministry. That is not the case though, God instead wants to use us despite our messes and wants us to be authentic leaders.
I realized though that when I feel like I have to have it altogether to be able to minister to my girls, that doesn't really give Jesus much room. I learned that the best thing you can do for students, is just be there. You don't have to always have the right words, you don't have to be feeling perfectly secure. You can just be there and let God do the rest.
I know now that He can use me no matter how I may be feeling and may use me but I may not always see right away how He is using me, but you know what that's okay, because just because you cannot always see how God is using you, it does not mean that He isn't.
I got up and continued to pack for my youth retreat, still feeling doubtful that I should be going. I couldn't help but feel like I was not in the right kind of state to be going. I was too tired, too insecure lately, too upset and too discouraged. Shouldn't youth leaders be joyful, energetic and optimistic? Shouldn't I be struggling with past insecurities some other weekend, not this coming weekend-where I need to be in a confident and secure state? The questions continued to gnaw at me as well as the doubt.
I heard God say "But I have something to give them" over and over again as I packed. I decided eventually that I would still go to the youth retreat but wait until the morning when my head could be clearer and the wounds from work wouldn't be so fresh. After all, then I could be a better youth leader, a better version of Amy, one that's more worthy of the weekend ahead. Not this messy, over-emotional, tired one.
I thought about how God wants to use us despite our weaknesses and our messes, So I decided instead I would go down that Friday night rather than wait til' the morning. Alright God, I hope this isn't/wasn't a bad idea. I told Him as I drove over and continued to tell Him as the weekend continued.
Did I get my energy back? Did I loose those feelings of insecurity? Not immediately. Throughout the whole weekend I fought back and forth between truths and lies and at times even regretted my decision of coming up Friday night. "If I only waited til' Saturday morning to come up, then I wouldn't be this tired."I told myself on Saturday. God reminded me later on in the weekend that it's not really about what I have to bring. It's not about whether or not I am feeling "qualified". It's about being there and being available and trusting God with each minute that comes. It's easy when you are involved in ministry to feel like you have to present your best self and leave your mess at the door, especially in youth ministry. That is not the case though, God instead wants to use us despite our messes and wants us to be authentic leaders.
I realized though that when I feel like I have to have it altogether to be able to minister to my girls, that doesn't really give Jesus much room. I learned that the best thing you can do for students, is just be there. You don't have to always have the right words, you don't have to be feeling perfectly secure. You can just be there and let God do the rest.
I know now that He can use me no matter how I may be feeling and may use me but I may not always see right away how He is using me, but you know what that's okay, because just because you cannot always see how God is using you, it does not mean that He isn't.
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