Know it’s for the better: debunking the myth about boundaries and goodbyes

    

    Growing up, I learned a lot about forgiveness. I watched my parents dedicate their time to others religiously (no pun intended :) ) while involved in church youth ministry. I read stories of people who loved the Lord and put their heart and soul into giving to others and serving them. I read the story of Jesus washing the disciples feet, even Judas whom he knew would betray him. I read other Bible stories that focused on forgiveness and reconciliation.

    To sum things up, the message I received was that the most loving thing to do for others is to always be forgiving and understanding. To love your neighbor as yourself which I took as put your neighbor before yourself. While those things are not bad in and of themselves, I didn’t learn until later in life the importance of self love. I don’t mean self love in a way where you take care of your body, health, wear things that make you feel confident that you like, and you are mostly happy with who you are. 

 I mean self-love that might feel selfish. Like speaking up when something bothers you or saying what you want to do when you and a few friends are making plans instead of just doing what everyone else wants to. Sharing when you’re hurt or upset by something instead of just shutting down, taking it quietly and telling yourself you need to “get over it”. These were things that made me feel uncomfortable most of life and not things I began doing until my later twenties. 

 Though I’ve always been pretty reserved, I never really thought about boundaries as being a good thing. I thought the most loving thing I could do for my family and friends was be a “yes woman”. “Are you free for this?” Well no, but I can always change my original plan or maybe I can make both work… “Can we please do this?” Yea I guess I mean I’d rather ______ but it’s whatever. *random conversation/conflict happens that hurts me* don’t say anything Amy, she/he was just in a bad mood. She didn’t mean it. That’s pretty much how my internal dialogue goes at times. 

 I’ve learned though that it’s not the most loving thing to always live this way. Especially if deep down, I’m quietly stewing and frustrated by switching my plans around for someone, not doing what I want and carrying hurt from a friend that may not know I’m hurting. While there’s always a time and place for generosity and compromising, it’s not feasible to always live like that. Relationships cannot grow without honesty and though it’s uncomfortable for me to look at, if I say something is ok when I’m not okay and instead I’m hurt, that’s me being dishonest. 

  And sometimes, it is best for ourselves to not always try to be understanding and forgiving. Especially, if all our being understanding and forgiving only enables someone to be off the hook for their actions and allows them to continue to live a certain way. Being understanding is good but there’s a line where it’s okay to walk away or set a strict boundary in situations and relationships. I recently read “Good Boundaries and Goodbyes” by Lysa Terkeurst and in it she talked about scriptures that back up that it’s okay to set boundaries and it’s okay to walk away. (I'll add the verses later once I buy the book as the copy I read I borrowed from a friend so I don't have the references on me, just the page numbers written down to go back and highlight :) )

 She used the example of how creation itself has boundaries. The sea stays where it's supposed to, the mountains stay where they do, the clouds don't fall from the sky. Different animals have certain habitats. They have areas where they thrive and can survive and areas where they don't. How much more can it be said that God wants boundaries for us and sees them as a good thing? He wants us to have healthy relationships which includes boundaries, accountability and honesty. If we have relationships where those things are not present then those relationships can take away from the best of us and stifle someone else's and our growth. 

 I don’t have this perfectly balanced. I still feel like I’m gonna throw up when I share my feelings about something in the midst of a conflict or set a boundary. Sometimes I communicate my boundaries with love and gently, other times it comes out messy, in tears or an extremely sassy or short tone. I’m learning. 

 So today, if you’ve decided on a difficult goodbye or are exploring what boundaries look like for you, know that that’s okay to do. Regardless of how you were raised or what you believe, it’s okay. If you are a Christian or was raised in that environment and feel this to be especially difficult, trust me I get ya. But know that it’s not “unloving” or “un-Christlike” to do so. In fact, sometimes it’s the most loving thing you can do even though it may not feel loving. 

Have a great week!

Amy