you're not on your own, kid

  

    Whenever I'm in my feels about embracing being an independent woman and reminiscing about all the changes life has taken since 2016 back when post-grad life looked simple and straightforward, I like listening to "You're On Your Own Kid" by, T-Swizzle. The lyrics feel relatable as I think back to things I pursued and how I overcame certain trials. Yet today, as I was listening I felt a nudge from God be like, "Yoooo Amy, what are you doing with that mindset? You are not alone, I am with you in this and I have always been with you. I've never left your side. You don't need to be strong, let me hold you up." He reminded me to remember that HE was the one that got me through trials and major life transitions. 

    God helped me to trust Him when I was struggling with finances, God comforted me when I moved to Ireland and missed my friends and family back home. God gave me strength to step out of my comfort zone on youth weekends and in youth work while in Ireland. He gave me the courage to get up and paint prophetic art during sessions when I was asked to do so and wanted to run as far away from that as possible, He gave me the words when I had to lead Bible studies for the teens. He gave me peace when I found myself in situations that made me feel uneasy or fearful while on homeless soup run nights and while working the nighttime shift in Ibiza at times. God helped me to see His perspective and give me the words to share when I had close friends go through heartbreaking things. God helped me to trust Him to provide as I settled back into the states and tried to figure out my next steps. It was always Him.

     Without going into too many details, over the course of about a year, I found myself in a situation that could have been altogether avoided had I learned to have stronger boundaries and less empathy. It is one thing to be unaware but it tends to get a bit more complicated if you are aware so you put a bit of a guard up but allow the little voice inside of you that says "give them the benefit of the doubt" become louder than the logic in your brain that's saying "no." 

    And yet still as I've focused on the facts, I can't help but feel my empathy creep up and become defensive for another party in this situation while simultaneously processing anger toward them that comes and goes as I heal. It's a confusing place to mentally be. It can be hard when others are saying x,y, and z but you see why someone is how they are and you see that they're probably really hurting deep deep down. It feels like a mental tug of war, "Yes that was so not okay but he or she is ______________".   "Yes that was not the right action but I also reacted like _______________ in response to their behavior which also wasn't cool." 

    When you feel mentally torn, it is easy to feel very much like “you’re on your own kid”. You're on an island in where you stand on the situation. Some days, it makes you want to scream, cry and not get out of bed. Other days, you feel a surge of motivation to push the situation behind you and you find yourself springing up out of bed, dancing in the kitchen and going for jogs after dinner. It's a roller coaster of healing and emotions.

    However, I am reminded that no matter what I am facing or where I may land on something even if I may not agree with others, Jesus is always with me and I am not alone.  

    Matthew 28:20, Jesus tells his disciples when he gives the Great Commission before departing,  "And surely, I am with you always, to the very end of the age." In Deuteronomy 31:8, it reminds us that God will never leave us or forsake us. 

    A friend of mine told me that as I continue to process things and feel all the feels, when I feel angry to say "I lay it at Jesus' feet". It has not always been easy to say that but I have found the weight of it to feel a bit lighter when I repeat that sentence. Some days I mean it and some days, I feel like I'm just saying the sentence just because I know I should. It still matters though and Jesus still hears me. 

    So today, no matter what you are facing, know that you are not on your own. God is with you and He will never leave you no matter what may come your way. He will always provide what you need to get through what you're facing even when it's just a little bit at a time. 

Have a great weekend!

-Amy