The Bittersweet Waiting Room

I'm sitting here in a place
I've not touched before

A place where pain and joy so clearly intersect

Some days, I cannot bear to think of tomorrow's

Some days, I cannot contain my joy for small simple things about life

How long Oh Lord?

How long?

How long must I sit here?

Here, in the bittersweet

Here, in the in-between

How long must I be angry?

How long til my tears will run dry?

The pain does not subside 

Yet some days, my eyes are dry

The pain does not subside

Yet the sight of sunbeams

puts a gleam in my eye

The pain does not subside

Yet laughter leaves my mouth

Dimples on my face come to life

The pain does not subside 

Yet I love what I see in the mirror lately

and I am kinder than ever to that small, insecure, lanky, quiet 8th grade girl,

The one that used to hide inside

The pain does not subside 

Yet I look forward to gatherings

To see people that have touched my heart overtime

The pain does not subside 

but I've been dreaming big lately

And putting paints to canvases

Bringing images to life

The pain does not subside 

but I feel constantly ever more grateful

and am grasping all over again what it means to be alive

And perhaps, perhaps this is what it looks like

To wait in the waiting room

 

Perhaps, perhaps this is what happens when wounds cut deeper

Perhaps this is what happens when you are healing,

Digging deeper into worn down cardboard boxes you used to keep off to the side

Perhaps this is what happens when all the pain in the world seems so big,

I want to bandage it all up, Oh but I am so small

Only One divine could do it, only One could pay that price

Perhaps, perhaps this is what Lewis meant 

When he wrote of the longing we will always have for another life

Another world

Maybe this pain is meant to open my eyes

To remind me that this life, is not the only life

To remind me that this "home" is not mine

Perhaps this is actually what "already, but not yet" looks like